Divorce is always a difficult experience for a child. Increasingly, however, it is not merely the breakdown of a family, but the beginning of a long-term conflict in which the child becomes involved in a battle between adults. Lawyers, psychologists and social organisations warn that the number of cases in Poland in which children lose contact with one parent — and, in extreme cases, with both parents — is growing.
Increasingly hostile divorces, mutual accusations, allegations, battles over control, parental authority and contact with the child can push the child’s wellbeing into the background. Yet the child should be the most important participant in every family-law proceeding.
“In many divorce cases, parents focus on their own conflict. The child becomes a litigation argument, a means of pressure or a tool of revenge. A battle is fought between adults in courtrooms, while the child’s suffering often goes unnoticed,” says attorney-at-law Paulina Bartosiewicz-Drozd.
When a Child Becomes Part of a Legal Strategy
Experts point out that family courts operate under enormous pressure. The number of cases is rising, conflicts are becoming more complex, and decisions made at the early stages of proceedings can turn a child’s life upside down.
“In court practice, we increasingly encounter situations in which one party portrays the other as an incompetent, dangerous or educationally incapable parent. Of course, there are cases in which intervention is necessary. The problem arises when allegations are not sufficiently verified, yet still produce far-reaching consequences for the child,” Bartosiewicz-Drozd says.
According to the lawyer, particularly troubling situations are those in which the child’s future begins to depend not on the minor’s genuine needs, but on the effectiveness of a legal strategy.
“A child should not be a prize for the winner of a dispute. Yet sometimes one gets the impression that one party’s determination, financial resources or aggressive litigation tactics matter more than a genuine assessment of the child’s circumstances and emotional needs,” she adds.
Karolina’s Story
One of the people who decided to speak publicly about her experience is Karolina. She says that during divorce proceedings she was separated from her five-year-old son.
According to her account, her former husband portrayed her as an unfit parent, using information obtained from, among other sources, the child’s surroundings. Karolina maintains that the allegations were false, the accusations were fabricated, and their basis was not sufficiently verified before decisions were made that affected the young boy’s life.
She says that, without a comprehensive assessment of the family situation and without a detailed examination of all the circumstances, she lost the opportunity to raise her son on a daily basis.
The subsequent course of events proved even more dramatic. According to Karolina’s account, the child’s father did not assume permanent care of the boy, and the child was placed in foster care with the former husband’s family. As a result, the boy lost contact with both parents.
“Regardless of how any individual case is assessed, it is worth asking whether the state used every available tool to protect the child’s bond with their parents. Every situation in which a young person loses a close relationship with their mother or father should be analysed with particular care,” says attorney-at-law Paulina Bartosiewicz-Drozd.
More Parents Speak of Alienation and Institutional Harm
Across Poland, a growing number of support groups are bringing together parents who say they have been pushed away from their children during divorce proceedings. Protests are also increasingly taking place outside courts and institutions responsible for child protection.
Terms such as parental alienation, coercive control, obstruction of contact, a child’s loyalty conflict, secondary victimisation and institutional violence are appearing more frequently in public debate.
“Regardless of the definitions we use, we must not forget what matters most. A child needs stable bonds, a sense of security and predictability. A child needs to know that they do not have to choose between their mother and father. They need adults who can place the child’s wellbeing above their own conflict,” Bartosiewicz-Drozd says.
In practice, however, contact orders are not always enforced, while a parent who isolates children from the other parent may, critics argue, face little meaningful accountability.
At protests, participants raise slogans such as: “Do not take revenge through a child” and “I have not seen my son for 645 days.” More and more people share dramatic stories — not only about losing contact with their own children, but also about the destruction of family bonds, their effective removal from a child’s life, the distortion of memories and a loss that is difficult to imagine.
Such situations appear to affect both fathers and mothers. Alienation has no gender, and it can become a cruel form of psychological harm, especially for the child. A parent facing the loss of a child often struggles to function normally, experiencing a profound form of emotional devastation. In some cases, they believe that a former partner is using the child to punish them for a separation, loss of control or an alleged affair.
Yet such conflict may also harm the child. This should be heard clearly in courtrooms and addressed without delay.
The Law Is Failing to Keep Pace With Reality
According to experts, Polish family law requires urgent reform. The foundations of the current system were developed in social circumstances very different from those of today. Family models have changed, social relationships have changed, and the scale and intensity of divorce disputes have changed. What has not changed quickly enough is the approach to protecting children during family proceedings.
“We need modern family law that more effectively protects children from the consequences of adult conflicts. We need faster verification of allegations, better cooperation between courts and psychologists, and greater emphasis on protecting the child’s relationship with both parents wherever there is no genuine threat to the child’s safety,” the lawyer argues.
The Best Interests of the Child: A Slogan or a Real Value?
In Polish family courts, the phrase most frequently repeated is “the best interests of the child.” But what does it actually mean? Can one speak of a child’s best interests when a young boy is deprived of daily contact with his mother before all the circumstances have been carefully clarified? Is a child who suddenly loses their familiar world, sense of safety and closest loved one truly receiving adequate protection from the state?
“The hardest part is the helplessness,” Karolina says. “When I see what an unjust judgment can do to my child. How can I accept that my son has lost me — his mother, who always cared for him — simply because my former husband has more money, a tougher litigation strategy and treats the child as a bargaining chip, a tool of revenge because our relationship ended? Why does the court not see this? How can I accept it?”
How many more children will have to experience separation from one of their parents? How many more protests must take place outside courthouses? How many support groups will emerge on social media? How many dramatic stories will be told by mothers, fathers and adults who, as children, found themselves at the centre of a divorce war? And what consequences will this have?
There is no time for years of debate or for postponing reform until another parliamentary term. A child cannot wait. Childhood does not stop for the duration of court proceedings. Every month of isolation from a loving parent, every year of loyalty conflict, and every decision made without sufficient examination of the facts leaves a mark on a young person’s psyche.
Poland needs family law adapted to contemporary realities. It needs procedures that verify allegations more quickly and thoroughly, and that more effectively protect a child’s relationship with both parents wherever there is no real threat to their safety.
Because when a child’s future is decided primarily by one party’s litigation advantage, a more effective lawyer, greater financial resources or a single mistake made by a parent during proceedings, society must ask itself: are we still dealing with a justice system truly centred on the child?
“The greatest tragedy is not divorce itself. The greatest tragedy is when a child loses their childhood. When they are deprived of one parent for years, and later nobody can give them back the lost time. A child needs their parents here and now — not five years from now, when all the proceedings and disputes have ended. That is why we need change today,” Bartosiewicz-Drozd concludes.
When, years later, an adult asks: “Why was I taken away from my mother? Why was I taken away from my father? Why did nobody ask what I needed?” it may already be too late to provide an answer.
That is why society can no longer pretend that the problem does not exist. It is why people must speak about it openly, raise their voices and share their stories despite the pain, without fear — as Karolina has done.
A divorce can only truly be considered a success when the child remains at the centre of attention. If a child loses a parent, or both parents, in a long-running process marked by accusations, lies and mutual slander, what may remain are only ruins and damaged lives — above all, the lives of the smallest and most innocent people involved.
